It’s the end of the year again. Everyone’s meeting up with their families, and I’m no exception. As important as it is to be interested in and interact with people, I find it a tad too challenging and usually end up quietly lurking around like a ghost until I feel like I’ve stayed long enough to leave.
Edit: I want to clarify that my lack of interest is more of participating in social conventions, rituals, and the like. I’m still very much interested in why people behave the way they do and find myself more interested in analysing them.. usually in the middle of a conversation while they’re still talking to me; it’s more interesting to me why they’re saying what they’re saying than what they’re actually saying.
Perhaps this is more of introversion than autism; it’s not always easy to tell what’s normal and what isn’t when you’re this close to the edge of the spectrum. Maybe being physically stunned by the cacophony of people talking all around me leans more towards autism, but it could be many things (it could just be genuinely really loud and everyone’s tolerating it because the benefits of being together outweigh the discomfort of the noise, for example).
I know I’m different from others, but I also know that I can’t change how my brain works—at least in a way that makes it more normal. For example, I could suffer from a brain injury that would change how my brain works, but it would most likely make me more different, rather than less.
It should, theoretically, be quite easy to tell if you’re different from everyone else because the grass is always greener on the other side: if you’re trying to be different, you’re normal; if you’re trying to be normal, you’re different.
That said, though ASD is technically a disability, I wonder if I’m close enough to the edge of the spectrum where it’s possible to brute-force through the differences to the point it effectively becomes a difference in personality. If even computers can convincingly replicate human appearances and mimic their speech, then I might as well give it a shot.
Still, I wonder if, in future, an AI will be able to do a better job of being me than me. At least, the version of me that I try to be in front of everyone else. The irony of being different is becoming more—rather than less—lonely with every person you get to know. so maybe having a stand-in will alleviate some of the distress.
Though that describes more of an ideal scenario; the problem with loneliness in this regard is that loneliness makes people want to seek out more people. It’s a bit like if drinking water made you more thirsty, rather than less.
Anyway, that’s all for this post. Happy Holidays!
